Thank You Ms. Ross

Well it’s 5am and I am wide awake. Which is not unusual to me, but instead of still being up I am just now waking up. My reasoning for being up at this God awful hour you might ask. Well I can’t sleep. I have nightmares every-time I sleep. May they be of my ex with this same odd character that I have built up in my imagination, or my teeth falling out at an exponential rate, a loved one dying, me re-experiencing a loved one dying, or hell me dying (Which at times really doesn’t come off as too bad). 

But, the one I have been plagued with tonight is my favorite family member, and pet of my family for 10+ years dying right after my graduation back in ‘06. Mrs. Beasley was her name. Don’t ask, I sure as hell wouldn’t have given a dog or any living thing a name like that. She died of old age, which should have been happier than a car or some other accident. But it was death none the less. Now I have seen my fair share of death in my life. And coped quite swimmingly might I add. But something got me with her. Something I don’t think I will ever understand. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I think it was the fact that I, only being 17 had to make the call of putting her to sleep. But I guess that was best. I then couldn’t blame her death on my family, granted my mother HAD already made an appointment previously weeks before. Which in hindsight must have been hard as hell on her too. But, I didn’t know this at the time, and not knowing so, I just feel as if I have blood on my hands, and always have.

Now in my dream, I am outside. It is obviously my back-yard. It doesn’t look like it, but it is just one of those things you know. And I just knew, that well it was my back-yard. And my little sister comes up to me with a water gun and asks me where my cousin is. They are having a water gun fight. I tell her I dunno let me help finding him. Now my cousin is in this dream just for the fact that he is like a brother, he has lived in and out of my life since the beginning. He is a year and a half younger than me and 4 years older than my sister. So you are caught up. So as we are looking, a run around our old pool. which is a HUGE pool and it is also above ground. As I get over it I see this massive oak tree and our dog, which was a yellow lab under it. I see her laying there and I call her. BreAnn, my sister, looks at me and says, “she isn’t going to come, she hasn’t moved since that alligator got there.” My response was, “what gator, I don’t see a gator.” and of course the second I say that I see this thing. Now this is not an alligator, this is a freak of nature. This thing is grotesquely large. Its head is literally the size of one of those smart cars without it’s tires on. So I am thinking screw my fucking cousin my dog is gonna be a snack for lake placid’s pet! I know make it my job to get my dog away. So I walk to my glass door which always got her running. I open it, she just lays there. I close it, call her and try again. At the moment the door is open this second try, and before I close it again, my mother calls from the living room asking what in the hell I am doing. I tell her, and she says, “Are you high?! The dog is right here! But I think its time soon Brian.” I look down and she is laying in her favorite spot. I run down in front of her. And I looked into her eyes and it was that same pain-filled loving look I remember seeing with her last breath.  Ohh, I was there when my dog was put down, actually I was looking at her dead in the eyes re-assuring her it was all okay as she died. I watched her soul leave her body. And for anyone that doesn’t believe in souls. Watch a loved ones eyes as it dies then get back to me. You might change your tone. And I saw those eyes and I instantly knew that he body was here, but her soul was outside and that gator was just one form of death and I had to separate the two before I lost her. I I made it my hell bent passion to not fail her this time like I did in the past. I got the dog’s soul to want to rush inside but every-time I almost got the glass door between her and the Behemoth it somehow slid its huge nose into the space and got in too. So I closed the door her and it outside. and I knew this was going to be my last shot. The gator gave me a look. A look of satisfaction in my pain and a grim smirk of yes this is the time. I am going to demolish her here right in front of you, and you can’t stop me. So I don’t know what came over me but I went out there, got face to face with this thing and it hissed. Then I cracked my neck. It got to attack position, I stretched my arms. It jumped for me, and I came out swinging. And that is the point I woke up.

Now this is the kind of crap I dream of nightly, and my first blog. Welcome to my life. Hope you enjoy. I know I sure don’t.