Words Screamed Too Late

I fell asleep to the thought of your Hazel eyes and soft porcelain cheeks. To awaken to a thought that I may never have you because I allow you to play me like I have done others so many times before.
I sit here, wondering, waiting, and even questioning if I have just been your little play thing. For the first time in my life I actually feel like a whore.
I am so disgusted in the fact that I am immobilized by you yet you take every chance you can to torture me so.
I am not blind or deaf and I treat you like a goddess so…
Why wont you choose me, I am actually fucking here. Not so goddamn far away.
I can hold you and see you every fucking day. Instead of sit on a phone and wonder what to say.
I am tired of this torture and don’t try to turn this on me. This is your doing cant you fucking see.
All this rage and pain is from your fingertips and knuckles buried into my skin, ripping the ventricles of my heart as you smile with pure and utter glee
Proud of the things you have done and the way you now have two people willing to do anything for you. Well FUCK YOU for playing me like a puppet you witch.
I am not like that I am not your little bitch.
You fucking choose and leave the other on the side of the road
As alive as I feel around you, I think I would prefer to feel dead all the time then the pain of dying knowing you are with her. Feeling my body break down and corrode
Fall apart from heartache that you have brought on so effortlessly.
Just please, before you and all your life becomes dead to me..

Sometimes even a Strahovski can bring out the worst in a guy.

Sitting down thinking this week is like Satan raping my mind
I hate the way I feel about you or the scars you have left behind
The oddest thing set this off, I was just staring at her skin
And that when it happened, I dont know why but again it sunk in
I feel this rage building from this hurt I secretly hold on to
I scream loudly while no one knows its about you
Anger has fueled me once again this shell is ready to fight
So I am gonna call up the boys and after work get drunk tonight.

The Truth or Just Another Music Inspired Scribbling?

In a sick enjoyment I lust over the pain others are feeling wishing, just wishing I could feel that same intolerable curse once again. Instead I sit here begging for something from this world of sin. I am sick of numbly existing for so long, I tell people I live but deep down I know I am wrong. I wait for this day to end and the next to begin but it seems as if it will never happen. I want out of this hell I have created and would rather be in yours, at least a change of pace to cure this on-coming insanity from planting more seeds in my far too fertile brain. I want to be held by the cold arms of a new misery since an old warmth will never fill me again. I guess all I ask is to save me, even if it is just a different ring of hell, let things change and give me something to get away…

Insomnia

Your bitter taste still lingers on my lips
I can still feel every poisonous kiss
I feel you attack me in my dreams
I know you enjoy my endless screams
I’ve begged you for years to let me be
But all I feel is pain continually filling in me
I despise our time together
The memories of you I wish I could sever
Torture every night without any break
I try to distort you with every drink and toke I take
Failing at even making you disappear from my thoughts
Two years later when I hear your name my stomach still gets tied in knots
A constant yearning to be done of you and the times we shared
Yet I am still shrouded in past nightmares.
I hate you and would give the world to let you know
I promise if I got to I would make it a show
But I realize I could never hurt you because of the love I feel for you
I want to scream yet embrace you I don’t know what to do
So until someone comes by and averts my attention
I will keep cringing every time your name is mentioned
Goodnight to you, don’t worry I will still be awake
I cant sleep no matter how many drugs I take

Thinking Loudly While Noone Can Here

You tell me I should give up since it would take too long, but I really dont care about length of time. I have spent the past two years of my life wasting away at working and going out to drown my lonliness in the facade of partying. At least give me this bit to hold onto and let me fight for something. With the little I have I could fight for ages and never tire. I am too stubborn to stop due to petty warnings of almost imminent defeat. Just know that due to those you might let him pass you up. Hell he could even be me…

Son of a….

I walk around in the mist covered night not quite sure what to think

I feel no worries as my feet start to get covered and sink

All I think is what does this mean

See because I know this is a dream

I have felt stuck so long so why am I feeling it even now

I just want to walk up say goodbye and make a final bow

But there is another part that wants to grip tightly and never let go

Make her feel safe, get her to smile, but not have to put on a show

She hasn’t even met the real me yet and I don’t know if I have it in me to show her

I don’t even think it matters if the pace goes faster or slower.

I think the next time we are out I will just try to sweep her off her feet

I will just have to bring a different Brian to meet.

Lost and Not Quite Alone

I don’t know why I did what I did. I still haven’t forgiven myself. But after so long the thoughts were becoming memories and they all started to feel like an old story as long as I never talked about it. Things have come up and your haunting me again. These dreams I feel are driving a sane man mad. I do what I can to forget them, no matter what it takes. But I am failing every moment I am asleep or awake. Your like Krueger assaulting me as I rest, I just cant even close my eyes in the past week without you staring back at me. Someone… help me.

I Swear If I Could Make This Right…

You’d be back by now. That is my favorite line from any song, ever. That and there is one other. Why? I connect with those more than any. I think everyone does on some level. Lately I have wanted to write again but been too busy I am busting my ass working. May it be family or work. I like it some though. When I work, I have no problem not being able to think about anything. Ohh great, there is that stupid new Green Day song, I cant stand this thing. Well I will hit you guys up later… whoever is left. More will soon be up. Gots lots of ideas, about everything this time. Not just sad crap. Love, Hate, Joy, and Sorrow. I am feeling it all and ready to burst from the pressure building. It will be fun. I am looking forward, you should too.

Here We Go

Like The Hulk at Universal this rollercoaster of a moment has kicked off with a power and speed. I hit coming out of the tunnel at full speed going up. Met a wonderful girl, really connected and life seemed perfect. Now I am hitting a downward spin so close to unbearable that my skin feels like its getting ripped from my face. I dont even know if I will have a job when I walk in to work tomorrow and just that thought alone is terrifying. -FML

Ignore this, its just for me to vent.

I just don’t know where to go anymore. I feel very lost in life right now. I just wanna leave this place. And I am. I just have got to get out of this rut. And I dont know if going somewhere else is gonna help any, but I am gonna try. I have to leave. My mind has turned so worthless here I cant even write anymore. Ohh and I try, let me tell ya. I just want to scream the thoughts, but all I get is hundereds of half written scribblings. I am tired of this life and want a new one..