Thinking Loudly While Noone Can Here

You tell me I should give up since it would take too long, but I really dont care about length of time. I have spent the past two years of my life wasting away at working and going out to drown my lonliness in the facade of partying. At least give me this bit to hold onto and let me fight for something. With the little I have I could fight for ages and never tire. I am too stubborn to stop due to petty warnings of almost imminent defeat. Just know that due to those you might let him pass you up. Hell he could even be me…

Son of a….

I walk around in the mist covered night not quite sure what to think

I feel no worries as my feet start to get covered and sink

All I think is what does this mean

See because I know this is a dream

I have felt stuck so long so why am I feeling it even now

I just want to walk up say goodbye and make a final bow

But there is another part that wants to grip tightly and never let go

Make her feel safe, get her to smile, but not have to put on a show

She hasn’t even met the real me yet and I don’t know if I have it in me to show her

I don’t even think it matters if the pace goes faster or slower.

I think the next time we are out I will just try to sweep her off her feet

I will just have to bring a different Brian to meet.

Lost and Not Quite Alone

I don’t know why I did what I did. I still haven’t forgiven myself. But after so long the thoughts were becoming memories and they all started to feel like an old story as long as I never talked about it. Things have come up and your haunting me again. These dreams I feel are driving a sane man mad. I do what I can to forget them, no matter what it takes. But I am failing every moment I am asleep or awake. Your like Krueger assaulting me as I rest, I just cant even close my eyes in the past week without you staring back at me. Someone… help me.

I Swear If I Could Make This Right…

You’d be back by now. That is my favorite line from any song, ever. That and there is one other. Why? I connect with those more than any. I think everyone does on some level. Lately I have wanted to write again but been too busy I am busting my ass working. May it be family or work. I like it some though. When I work, I have no problem not being able to think about anything. Ohh great, there is that stupid new Green Day song, I cant stand this thing. Well I will hit you guys up later… whoever is left. More will soon be up. Gots lots of ideas, about everything this time. Not just sad crap. Love, Hate, Joy, and Sorrow. I am feeling it all and ready to burst from the pressure building. It will be fun. I am looking forward, you should too.

Here We Go

Like The Hulk at Universal this rollercoaster of a moment has kicked off with a power and speed. I hit coming out of the tunnel at full speed going up. Met a wonderful girl, really connected and life seemed perfect. Now I am hitting a downward spin so close to unbearable that my skin feels like its getting ripped from my face. I dont even know if I will have a job when I walk in to work tomorrow and just that thought alone is terrifying. -FML

Ignore this, its just for me to vent.

I just don’t know where to go anymore. I feel very lost in life right now. I just wanna leave this place. And I am. I just have got to get out of this rut. And I dont know if going somewhere else is gonna help any, but I am gonna try. I have to leave. My mind has turned so worthless here I cant even write anymore. Ohh and I try, let me tell ya. I just want to scream the thoughts, but all I get is hundereds of half written scribblings. I am tired of this life and want a new one..

Some thoughts on life after a long night

I sit here in this room, with this light blaring into my dried out eyes, the stinging the least of my thoughts. I am questioning how long I might stay this way. Single that is. I figure for good to be honest. and its not that the thought bothers me. More than anything its the fact that I wont know till the end if I am gonna be stuck in this lifestyle of brused bones and hangovers or is it gonna be a life of at home nights and dirty diapers.

Am I lonely, god yes. But honestly, what single person isnt. We may say hell no. I love these one nighters, no strings. Parties. Cheap Valentine’s Days. Easy Christmas’. and no stress from a girl/guy. But when its 11:30 at night and we are laying in bed watching a movie because we cant sleep. we all think about having that person to lay next to and put an arm around. to hold and just… be.

Well. its obvious the burning question of what will be is but rhetorical. So until the answer hits I will listen to my music, drink my beer, and party my ass off. Then wake up and be responsible the next day.

And with that said. Goodnight All

Signed,
Someone just growing up.

Life’s A Bitch & Then You Die, Wait Scratch That & Reverse It

I once heard that heaven for everyone is different. It’s what that person expects it to be and so much more. If thats the case, and I have thought about this alot lately, I think I know what mine will be. I think heaven will be the moment that I first tasted true utter happiness for the first time.
If everything is truly that way, when I die, I will find myself standing up there ready to go in, and if I make it in, which despite what many might believe I feel I will, I will see but one thing, but that solitary thing will be heaven for me; in every sense.
All I would see is a person on a bench, a specific person on a specific bench. Thats it. White all around us. Just us. Now I realize in all honesty that specific person would never wait on that bench for me again, but in heaven they would.
I would see that angel sitting there, not even waiting for me, but for a ride that this time never comes. I would go up to her and wait to hear a joke made of how I am a slacker showing up 15 minutes late, as usual. And like I did one time before, I will stop and say to hell with everything but this person. We would just talk, and eternity of one conversation. I know that sounds painfully boring to most, but to me, that is perfection. That is the moment I met love and that conversation was before love got complicated. Just simple love, nothing more. And since I have to live a lifetime without that person, I want to make up the time an eternity fold. I would give life itself so that I could wake uop tomorrow and go to that community college and have that run-in one more time. But that brings me to my next thought.
Now, because things have gone the way they did, I have often wondered, what if I already died and this, all of this, is hell. I mean if the devil can trick so many into not believing he exists what says he can’t pull this off. Just a second life, but one where everything falls apart and it wont ever end.
See the way I picture it is, I died in the accident. BLAM!! it was all over that quick, and I was wrong. I didnt make it, instead I got shot on the red eye down to the Uber Douchebag’s lair. And for me this makes sense, because one thing I have a real hard time admitting is that ever since my accident, I have felt like I am in hell in the most literal of senses and Satan’s jabbing my right in the ass with his prick.
I mean I have lost everything almost and yet I still have to wake up everyday, and put on a smile so that no-one knows whats really happening inside this twisted thing called a brain.
Just a thought, if you haven’t already stopped reading by now, the bullshitting’s over for this session, off to work I go.

–Brian

C.H.I.P.S. is after a Brotha

Well, apparently I am setting myself up fairly well. In one weekend, in less than 48 hours I have had talks with the law for me doing something. Didn’t get in trouble too bad, but yet I just had a cop knock on the door and complain about a noise violation and last night I got pulled over for running the stop sign outside of Barnes and Noble. Same cop too. nice guy. he didnt hassle me or anything. But I felt like talking about it.

I Think I Need A Beer

I know its been a while since a truly sincere one of these came out, but here’s one for ya.

lately I just dont know what to think, I am used to not knowing what to do, but at this moment I am just really confused about everything. I just wanna scream, life itself just seems so damn frustrating, nothing is face value and I hate that. I try to put exactly how I think or feel about a thing or person out there, but heaven forbid anything have the ability to do that to me. I dont know, more than anything I think it is my job right now. I am miserable there, not Blockbuster, that job rocks. But my other, it just seems that there is nothing but a constant barage of pissing and moaning every second I walk in, and if this were new it wouldnt bother me, but its an everyday ordeal. Its old. There always has to be someone on these peoples shitlist, and I somehow have the ability to easily make it to the top of that list. I dont get it, I work in the worlds largest geriatric home and yet there is more drama at work than all four years of high school combined for me. I dunno, I just wish I just had some guidance on what to do, but I know that now I need to do this on my own and pull through this preverbial bullet and keep on goin.

Well, its not much but either way, its there. Brian out… for now